Faith Over Fear

So first, the most important details. Ryan was born May 30 at 4:46 pm. He weighed in at 9 lbs 4 oz - so definitely not the 7 lbs 14 oz I dreamt of, but to me he did not look 9 lbs...even comparing him to Alexander's newborn pictures. My VBA2C was successful - with no epidural either! And I definitely think that the labor was hard and fast. It's hard to know where to count the labor's start...if I start from the foley induction, it was less than 20 hours. If I count from the pitocin then it's about 9 hours. And if I count from when I started to feel like I was in labor and "couldn't do life" then it was about 4 1/2 hours.
There are always a few sides to every story. Mine is pretty cut and dry. I was singularly minded in getting Ryan earth-side safely, managing the labor and keeping the fear at bay. My husband's version is much more rockstar and emotional...maybe I can convince him to share his version.
I showed up to the hospital the evening of the 29th for my induction. I was disappointed my body hadn't gone into labor on it's own, despite having prodromal labor for almost two and a half weeks. But there was a peace in the orderliness of it; I didn't have to figure out managing the other two kids while in the beginning stages of labor. There was no rushing to the hospital, etc. Standard hospital procedures; put on the gown, monitors, IV's, sit and wait. I had to have an IV for penicillin since I was positive for Group B Strep. Let me tell you, they warned me it would burn but that sucker bothered me more than 75% of my labor. Sometime later the resident came in and we started the induction with the Foley bulb.  If you don't know what a Foley bulb is, it's basically a water balloon that manually dilates you to 4 cm. They told me it could take up to an hour, and in less than 10 minutes mine fell out and I was dilated. Worst period-like pain ever.
I'd been having some contractions on my own and after a little while a doctor and resident came in while I was trying to catch some sleep to inform me that the baby's heart rate was having some decels and questioned me if i was sure I wanted to VBAC. My OB prepared me for this and I knew he was monitoring as well and if he had any concerns he'd come in and he'd be honest with me. I told the on-call doctor I was sure I wanted to proceed. Of course, this tripped off my fear meter. Decels were exactly what led to my c-section with Ethan. My sweet doula friend made a "Faith Over Fear" sign for my labor room and I kept trying to focus on it and at the same time I had my ear tuned to the baby's heart rate monitor...sleep was not happening. Anyhow, because of the decel and because I was contracting on my own they decided to hold off on the pitocin until the following morning and basically let my doctor be in charge of it since it would be his day to be on-call. For the most part, other than blood pressure and blood sugar checks, they left me alone.
One nurse commented that I was having some pretty impressive contractions and asked me if I could feel them. I could, but at that point they were manageable and felt nothing more than cramping waves. Brandon enjoyed watching the monitors and pointing out when I'd get a "new high score".
Around 7 am, we started pitocin low and slow. They doubled it about every hour. Around 12:30 pm Brandon said he saw a change - I was no longer able to finish sentences and I started to introvert. It was around this time that I think I had decided to try some of the labor aids; peanut ball, exercise ball, etc. Spent some time doing hip circles on the ball, swaying like a hula girl. My nurse had another birth to attend across the hall; that mom's water had broken and she and I were on the same screen for the contraction monitors. I watched her contractions and mine...they were pretty similar. Things get a little less detailed now, I wasn't out of it - I just became ultra focused on managing and wanted little distraction. I kept repeating to myself "Faith over fear", "pain with a purpose" and at some point "transition" and I became vocal; moaning, groaning, panting, etc. I just kept remembering Ina May's book saying how important it is for dilation to keep your jaw relaxed. Relaxation helps dilation. At some point someone came in to check me and I was 6-7 cm dilated and some other signs of progress and my doula and I did a little happy dance.
I didn't intend to birth without an epidural. It wasn't something I was adamant about. But I knew that if I had one it would more than likely slow things down. And I knew that being dilated at 6-7 things were going to move pretty quickly and there really was no point.
I had another nurse come in who ended staying the duration through delivery. She recommended trying the "dog piss" position. It's a modified SIM's position from the Miles circuit. You lay on your side, almost rolled onto your belly and have the upper leg draped onto a stirrup. So, you really do look like a dog taking a pee. Anyhow, the leg that ended up on the stirrup was the bum leg. And I really hated this position. At this point contractions were intense and one on top of the other. In this position it was even more intense pressure and all I could think it I want to be on my hands and knees or sitting up. I begged and almost cried to be let out of this position and they kept encouraging me "just a few more minutes....let's go for 15 minutes, then we will let you change." I felt my water break; that popping and gush...there's no doubt, it's nothing like peeing yourself. Finally my 15 minutes of torture were up and I had the bed changed into the chair position. Also, at some point a resident came in and mumbled about decels and wanting to put a monitor on the baby's head. I knew this baby was coming soon and honestly, I didn't want anyone touching me. I may have threatened to kick her if she did...not sure. I ended up putting my hand on my belly where they were trying to get Ryan's heart rate and yelled out "Come on Ryan! You can do this, give them a strong heart rate."
My OB arrived around then. He'd had a busy day as on-call. He'd already attended a few births and performed 6 c-sections. When he entered the whole atmosphere changed. Lights got dimmed, pitocin got turned down so that baby and I could recover between contractions. He asked where the music was and I told him it was a distraction, his response was "but Baby likes music". We turned on the playlist I'd created for Ryan. I don't remember exactly what song played but was incredible how perfectly timed each song was for this last stage of labor. My OB is a teacher and had an intern with him. They checked me and I was 10 cm, fully effaced and baby's head was right there...it was go time. I could feel my body pushing on it's own but the OB and nurse also coached me through pushing. That is one thing I do regret is the coached pushing, it didn't feel right and I think it contributed to the second degree tearing I had. I wasn't in the mindset to count, but according to Brandon and the nurse I pushed about 6 times, I think it was more but overall it was about a half hour of pushing. The OB had me stop and reach down and pull Ryan up, a surprise I never thought of and amazing - I'm so glad he had me do that. All I remember from there is looking at Ryan, drinking him in, trying to figure out whose features he got, in awe of how much hair he had, and I remember Brandon crying. I'm not making fun of him, I was touched that he was so moved by the experience. Ryan looked up at me and I said "hey Ryan, I dreamt about you." And his little face looked like "I know..." He was calm and alert and strong.

I enjoyed that I was able to hold Ryan through all the clean up, stitch up and that they weren't whisking him away for suction, or for measurements. Our nurse was so fantastic, and took a bunch of pictures for us so we could enjoy the time. A while later I did finally ask what his weight was, I was sure he was 7 lbs 14 oz. And I was shocked he was 9 lbs 4 oz, he didn't seem like a 9 lb baby! Maybe because I was comparing him to Alexander who has a huge head!
Brandon started texting and calling family and my sister and mom ended up texting me that they were at the hospital. My sister was supposed to be at the birth as a support person but her work schedule got flipped around. She was showing up to finally be there as support and got there 20 minutes too late instead! I think that worked out for the best because then she and my Mom were able to stay and enjoy Ryan and help me out in recovery while Brandon went home to be with the big boys.
"She believed she could, so she did" - this is a quote I've run across a couple times recently and I really love it. I ordered a gift for my doula and there was a temporary tattoo in the envelope that had this quote on it. I put it on my wrist for a few days. Three weeks after birth and I'm still surprised that this is real life; I have my 3 boys that I dreamt of in 2008, that Ryan is here and I had him via VBAC despite all the hurdles and frustration that I encountered the first 32 weeks.

Let Me Dream for You

On June 1, 2016 I was given a dream. I dreamt I had another child and the dream was detailed as far as his name, his weight and that I experienced a hard and fast labor.
Two things that made this dream easy to ignore: 1) While I would enjoy another child, my husband and I had decided we were good with the two we had. And I started getting rid of the baby stuff. I was already 35, and I knew that being pregnant at 35+ you get treated very differently. I weighed more than I personally wanted and I wanted to focus on losing that weight and getting back to good health. And I knew that I absolutely did not want to have another c-section.
2) Since I've had two c-sections, a hard and fast labor seemed very unlikely as I probably wouldn't be able to find someone to do a vaginal birth after 2 csections (VBA2C).
In Mid-July, my husband came to me and said he'd been praying and God gave him a conviction "that He (God) is the giver of life and it is not up to us to make this decision" (I know there are people reading who may not agree with this, please respect that this is our conviction and belief for our family).  To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Again the dream came to mind, but it was easy to ignore for another reason; historically it's taken us between 18 months - 5 years to get pregnant. If this was going to happen, it wouldn't happen any time soon...and I wasn't going to hang on to stuff in hopes of it happening. So, I continued to clear out the baby stuff.
I mailed out the last box of baby stuff to our consignment shop (online place) on August 1...my last period was August 15th. A month later, on September 12 - a day forever marked in my mind as the anniversary of the loss of our first child Jacob in 2003 (14th anniversary for clarification), I found out I was pregnant. We'd just come home from a camping trip and we actually looked at a camper for sale while out but felt it wasn't really a good fit for our family of 4. I'd been feeling off all weekend but figured it was just heat and my period which I was expecting any day. When I found out and told Brandon, I said "We're going to need a bigger camper for sure now. And the one we looked at is not adequate". Within a week or two we found a vintage 1973 Airstream that can sleep 6 that was gutted and ready for refurbishing. But that's all another story.
So now this dream was becoming very real, very hard to ignore. I felt this overwhelming need to focus on Faith over Fear. I'd been so driven by fear in my previous 4 pregnancies, after losing Jacob and even more so after the loss of Tristan.
Another thing that happened while on our camping trip in September was that I fell and injured my leg. 9 months later, I'm still healing and I'm hoping that once this baby is born it will happen faster. At once point I had pain radiating in my right calf which led me to my primary care doctor to be checked for a blood clot. I was all clear. I ended up going back again a few weeks later in worse pain now through my entire leg and barely able to walk, and I was checked via x-ray for any fractures in my lower leg. Still nothing. It was finally after a massage therapist friend came over to work on me that she pointed out that my hip was out of socket and few exercises that I was up and walking again 3 days later. Anyhow, a little sidetracked...while I was at my Primary Care Doctor's office I asked her awesome referrals lady if she knew anyone who would do a VBA2C and she gave me a couple names. I decided to start with the closest practice, which happened to be the same practice I had in the for the first 28 weeks with Alexander only to decide to fire them and go back to my favorite OB who could not offer a VBAC. I should have paid attention to Alexander's pregnancy story but I had hope that it would work out this time.
I didn't feel a rush to schedule my first prenatal appointment, until I was 10 weeks, where previously I'd make sure I was in the office by 6 weeks for reassurance. Unfortunately, my first appointment at 10 weeks was with the doctor I had with Alexander who really made me upset. I gritted my teeth and went in with the plan that I'd see her now and then make it a point to schedule with someone else from here on out. I went in with a high BP, anxious over what would come out of this woman's mouth. She did not disappoint. She immediately pointed out "You're old and you're fat" (this is not a dramatization, this is for real). She tried to tell me my due date was 10 days later than it should have been - meanwhile, the big ultrasound calculator dial on the wall was set to my due date (fun fact: my due date is also my 36th birthday). She tried pegging me with high blood pressure based on my number coming into this appointment and the fact that my BP with my primary care's visit where I though I had a blood clot was high. I made the nurse take it again before I left the office and it was still higher than normal because I was upset, but it was back to a healthy normal range. I also left the office with orders to take a glucose test now, instead of the standard 28 weeks - due to my "old and fat status". I decided to go straight from the appointment to the lab figuring I already had someone watching my kids and might as well get it over with. I failed the test...by 8 points. They wanted me to do the 3 hour test. Long story short I declined and instead decided to do finger pricks and food diaries for two weeks. For the most part my numbers were in a normal range. I had a couple out of range but all explainable and expected for most normal people to have that type of spike.
But, now I had another label "gestational diabetic" to add to "advanced maternal age" and "obese" - all labels I do not attribute to myself.
My next appointment I saw another OB in the practice, she was a newbie there. I asked questions about a VBA2C to which she was open but unsure of the practice's stance. Two weeks later when we were going over my glucose numbers we discussed again since she'd had a chance to run it by the rest of the practice. I had now risked out of this particular hospital's VBAC care and would be expected to have a repeat c-section.  I reiterated that I did think this is possible and I was going to pursue a VBA2C and would spend the next few weeks searching for a hospital that had a high risk unit. She gave me a couple names and at 15/16 weeks I left that practice.
I spent the next week calling around, researching other OBs and midwives, asking for recommendations from friends. I thought if I went with a midwife I may have better success at a VBA2C. I called one who specialized in high risk pregnancies, spent a long time on the phone with her assistant discussing health history and making it very clear I am considered gestational diabetic. Her assistant then relayed my health history to her and got the "come on in" - scheduling me for my 20 week appointment.  I went to that appointment and the midwife stated she was not concerned at all with any of my "labels".  However, hospital policy is that I get referred to a Diabetes Boot Camp where I'd meet with a High Risk OB, a Diabetes Educator and a Nutritionist. I asked if this was a hand off to high risk or a co-care situation and she said she wasn't exactly sure. I went to the Boot Camp, at now 24 weeks pregnant, and asked the same question and the high risk OB told me I was clear to go back to the midwife.
I called and scheduled my 28 week appointment with the midwife. The week before my appointment we were having some insurance issues and I called to ask if I could put off one of my ultrasounds for a week until it got cleared up. This call brought to the midwife's attention that I was on her docket for an appointment and her assistant called me back and told me I needed to see a doctor. No true explanation, even after I told her I did see the high risk OB and was cleared to back to her. Frustrated, feeling like my care had become like a game of hot potato, I had already been looking at other hospital systems. I was in talks with another large hospital which was closer to us and had a high risk unit as well. I told my midwife's assistant that I was already considering leaving this hospital and to give me a couple days to figure it out. Unfortunately, the other hospital system wasn't very confident of my ability to have a successful VBA2C. However, God brought other people in my life who pointed me in the direction of a hospital system I would have never considered, and a VBAC support group. And at this hospital system they have a high risk OB whose passion is for VBACs and he has a high success rate. Of course, it would take a few weeks before I could get an appointment with him, I would be 32 weeks.
In the meantime a few other things happened:
1) the first OB practice I saw sent me a letter. They had marked me as a non-compliant patient because I hadn't been back to their practice since I was 16 weeks. Signed by the doctor who I told I was going to pursue a VBA2C and would look for another provider. And they mentioned that I'd seen other doctors within the hospital system (because they're all linked) - further proof that I'd been trying to find proper care. And the letter finalized with the comment that this local hospital would not be available to me for care in case of an emergency.
2) The assistant at my midwife's office called me after a week and asked me what my plan was. I told her I was switching to this other hospital system where there's a doctor who specializes in VBACs. However, it would be a few weeks before my appointment. She asked if there was anything they could do in the meantime. I told her I wanted to come in for an appointment, just so I have on record that I'm trying to receive care. My midwife was not available, so I was scheduled with a doctor.
At 30 weeks I went to see the doctor at my midwife's office. Her assistant encouraged me to discuss my care so far and the game of hot potato that has ensued. Instead of helping, the OB treated me like I was an idiot for going to the midwife in the first place because midwives don't handle gestation diabetes patients. I tried explaining that I had discussed the diabetes with the midwife before even coming in to her care at 20 weeks and she was the one who gave me the go ahead to come in. Secondly, since the first OB practice I saw marked me as non-compliant,  and these practices are linked in the same hospital system, this OB saw this mark and decided to use my urine sample as an opportunity to run a drug test. All without my consent or knowledge, or even meeting with me!
I spent some time on the phone with the hospital's patient advocacy group and I filed a complaint for a number of issues of my care there. However, I do not have high hopes of anything coming of that phone call.
Fast forward a couple weeks, I'm now 32 weeks and seeing the VBAC specialist. Even though I'd given my previous hospital's records department about 3 weeks to get files over to him, they hadn't arrived yet. So I spent about an hour talking with his resident going over my medical history and sharing my copies of test results. Met with the doctor and he was so confident and reassuring that a VBA2C was possible. My labels didn't worry him too much, my blood sugars looked good and were mostly normal so we'd just keep an eye on things.  I am now seeing my labor part of the dream become a possibility! He listened to my story about my care so far, asked for names of those doctors, shook his head, rolled his eyes at their ACOG misquotes and we scheduled me for another 2 weeks. I went back for the next appointment full of my what if's questions. He answered them and called me out on being skeptical. I went home and thought on that for a while. As I described it to a friend; these first two appointments were a lot like dating. The first one was "does he like me, will he want to see me again" and the second appointment I'd done the research, the medical journal article stalking and was running my due diligence that he wasn't crazy.
I'm now approaching 37 weeks, seeing him weekly and even more confident in his care. However, I got one more label...I have tested positive for group B strep. My thought on these labels is that this is just a distraction from the dream, the vision that God gave me last June. Yes, they are medical issues and I will pay attention to them. But overall I know who is in control and will put my Faith over Fear. I even found a shirt that I've been wearing the past few weeks that says the same.
So, you've made it this far. You've read all the personal details and committed yourself to the story. What can you do? Please pray for me friends. For my health and safety, for the health and safety of this new little boy I will be bringing into this world very soon. Encourage me, encourage my family. And lastly, be an advocate for yourself, get a second opinion if you think you need one - pay it forward, if you are being mistreated by a medical professional, speak up but remain respectful.
One last thing, since you've stuck with me. I dreamt that we had another son (we've had a few confirming ultrasounds) and we named him Ryan. He was 7 lbs 14 oz in my dream (we shall see what his birthday brings).
**The blog's title "Let Me Dream For You" is a reference to a song by Casting Crowns called "Dream for You"

Birth Announcement - Better Late Than Never

A reader emailed me for an update on the arrival of our rainbow, reminding me that I never updated my blog. Whoops!

Baby A Mercer arrived June 2, 2014 via c-section, which was much more calm and relaxed than his big brother's arrival via c-section. He came out screaming and at a whopping 9 lbs 1 oz. I joke with my OB that the baby aspirin did it's job and he got the nutrients he needed in-vitro. It is now mid-August and he is 10 weeks old.

Big brother E is a wonderful big brother, very loving and attentive. And the dog, who I worried would be too hyper, loves to give Baby A kisses: on his head, feet, hands, face, etc. I'm hoping they will be buddies as A grows.

We chose the middle name Jace for our second rainbow. It means "a healing". I feel that this journey, through his pregnancy and delivery, has been a healing journey.

And now for a few pictures of our sweet one. This was taken at the hospital. The onesie was a gift from my miscarriage support group "The Brites", each of our rainbow babies has received one. The second is a picture of "my boys" - so much love in this picture. Thank you for your support through our journey. And for those who have reached out, asking for advice and sharing your struggles as well, you are in my thoughts and I'm praying for each of you. Love, H

So I fired my OB

I will be 30 weeks on Monday and last week I fired my OB. Sensational title - I know, because I am still under the care of an OB just not the one I saw for the first 30 weeks of this pregnancy.
Since having E in 2009 and the conversation that followed with my community hospital OB I planned on having a VBAC. However, my community hospital does not support VBACs. But my OB gave me instructions of how to increase my chances of success. I waited the two years for my scar to heal completely. And then I transferred to the "bigger and better" hospital for care during this pregnancy, where they would support a VBAC.
My entire dilemma during this pregnancy was that I loved my community hospital OB. I met her when she delivered my son. She had this amazing way of keeping me calm when I really should have been freaking out. And then she was by my side in 2012 when I lost Tristan.
The practice at the "bigger and better" hospital had 6 doctors that I would rotate between. At first I thought I'd like it. And in the beginning I did. I had access to a great Reproductive Endocrinologist. Also, during those early weeks they had a small in office ultrasound machine that helped ease some fears. But then it turned into 6 different opinions, a lot of blowing things off that I thought were of concern, and not feeling like I could discuss anything with them. Add in a couple of insurance issues, "bigger and better" also meant way more expensive and therefore less coverage. I was paying more out of pocket for a routine pregnancy ultrasound than I was paying for my monthly car payment. I also had some non-urgent pregnancy issues that came up that took my 50/50 chance of a successful VBAC down to more like 20% chance of success.
So I was left with a choice. Do I stick it out with a practice that I wasn't comfortable with, to attempt a VBAC that my chances of success had been significantly lowered and not knowing who would be there to deliver and how they are during delivery? Or do I return to my favorite community OB who I am comfortable with?
At 28.5 weeks I pulled the trigger and fired my OB, then called my favorite community OB and re-established myself with her. I had my appointment this past Friday and I am so glad I did this. And while the local community doesn't "support VBACs" - it only means that they wouldn't induce me for a VBAC, but if I were to come in in labor and was far enough along, they wouldn't stop me just to do a c-section. That being said they do have to plan ahead, and they plan a c-section for the week prior to my due date in expectation that I wouldn't go into labor on my own.
But my favorite recent quote is "want to make a baby laugh? Make plans." We shall see what the next 10 weeks hold.

16 Weeks (Actually 20 weeks); Taking a Deep Breath

To explain the title; I have been trying to write this blog post since I was 16 weeks pregnant. I am now 20 weeks, soon to be 21 weeks and I think I finally know what I want to say. I've written, erased and rewritten this post a number of times. 16 weeks was my big milestone, the place in pregnancy that I needed to get through until I started to feel safe and confident. But then 16 weeks hit and I have to admit, confidence was not there. Even now, at 20 weeks I worry about things; is the baby moving enough? are these cramps normal? Am I spotting? Of course, everything is going just great. I'm no longer miserably sick, I'm feeling movement and we had our big anatomy scan a few weeks ago revealing that our baby is Boy #2. Names are being discussed but we're not ready to share them just yet. I'm looking forward to in just a few short weeks B&E will be able to feel the baby moving.

Losing Tristan Revisted - One Year Later

Reflecting on the loss of Tristan a little over a year ago. I blogged about the loss the day after it happened, and rereading it I can feel how disconnected I was from the whole experience. It took a few more weeks, after the shock wore off, before my emotions hit. However, it was not devastation or depression. I'd been through this before, I knew a miscarriage was possible - compared to how I was so naive during my first pregnancy I thought it could never happen to me. During my pregnancy with Tristan I felt that maybe something was wrong. Particularly after my supposed 10 1/2 week ultrasound that showed the baby to be 8 1/2 weeks. Instead, I was left with anger. Anger that burned and destroyed. I put on a good face, smiled when I needed but inside I burned. The target of my anger was for the situation; not myself, nor God. But my arrow would miss the target and burn those around me. Why so angry? Well, after my first miscarriage it took 5 years before I got pregnant with E. During my 6 week follow-up after having E, I asked my OB when I could try for another one and was told after 6 months. I switched OB's within that same year and went back for my annual exam. I asked my new OB the same question. She was the doctor who delivered E, so she was more familiar with what happened. She knew I was upset that I had a c-section. She advised that if I waited 2 years for my c-section scar to heal, I would be a perfect candidate for a VBAC. The next baby could be due on E's 2nd birthday. So, we waited until December 2010. The first few months were fun "oh! If we got pregnant now we could have a baby around this time. Or we could announce this way!" But after 6 months I began to worry that my fertility issues were going to repeat, and this would be tougher than we thought. I will also touch briefly on how stressful 2011 & 2012 we for us, due to other circumstances. A year went by, I started thinking that maybe I needed to look into Clomid. But I was terrified. I decided instead to start tracking my cycles. I downloaded an app on my phone. Another six months went by, and after determining my cycles were normal I decided to try ovulation kits. In August, the most stressful event of all occurred. E had to go for dental surgery. I was a mess. After his surgery, I felt dramatically better, like I could breathe deeper. I also had a feeling that I would be pregnant soon, and I knew the baby's name would be Tristan. I won't go into the details of mother's intuition. I tested the end of August and got a big fat negative, preparing myself for another month. A week later, on September 7 I just wasn't feeling right so I took another test and this time I got a positive. When my due date was changed after my ultrasound and my new 10 1/2 weeks arrived and the cramping and spotting started, I hoped for the best but knew this was the end. The ER doctor commented on how dry my mouth was; it was fear. The second I pulled into the parking lot, I was struck with fear. So back to why I was so angry...I was angry that I had to go through trying for 18 months, to finally get pregnant only for that pregnancy to end. Even now that doesn't fully explain it. All the frustrations of trying to conceive before getting pregnant with E, repeating themselves. Plus, on paper my pregnancy with Tristan looked perfectly normal. My OB wasn't even worried about the difference in due dates after my ultrasound. Am I still angry? Yes, a little. But it is no longer burning, seething. This is partly due to the help of the support group I joined after my loss. It took a while. Why post this now? I felt that it was important for me to move on with my life. Important for me to enjoy this new pregnancy.

6 week update

I've made it to 6 weeks, 1 day. I had my ultrasound today and everything is looking great and is measuring right where it should be. I also got to see my sweet baby's heart beat. And confirmed that there is only one in there.
I had HCG and Progesterone levels run at 3 weeks, 6 days and repeated at 4 weeks, 6 days both with normal results.
The specialist released me to my regular OB/Gyn and I have an appointment with her the first week of November.

Chasing Rainbows: The Last Puzzle Piece?!

Monday was a very exciting day. I got a positive pregnancy test. Yes! A POSITIVE pregnancy test! Actually, two tests. And then I went to the Reproductive Endocrinologists office and had a couple blood tests done. They confirmed I am pregnant and my HCG and Progesterone are both within the normal range. I am four weeks pregnant. I go back next week for repeats of these tests to make sure my levels are rising.
I truly feel that learning about the MTHFR mutation, and then treating it has answered quite a few problems. Or as my post says, I found the last puzzle piece. And because of this, God heard my prayers; I did not need to start Clomid! Can I get an amen! Because, I was very scared to start it.
Pray for a sticky baby (I don't know, it's an internet term for a baby that makes it to term).

I recognize that I have a very small readership on this blog but I also felt this was an important post for those following our story. We are planning on sharing this news with family after my 6.5 week ultrasound. And making a bigger announcement after the NT scan around 13 weeks.

I have 12 more weeks before I will feel like I'm in my "safe" zone.

Busy Brain

Since Thursday I have been in research mode about MTHFR A1298C, and it's given me a lot to think about.

First and foremost is this just continues to reenforce that my son E is a miracle! The fact that I had this diagnosis since 2006 but did not know until now, did not use any of the treatments and had a baby that survived is just beyond astonishing.

Secondly, that God is good. And he has heard my prayer for answers and he's been providing them to me. It's been puzzle pieces as I mentioned before. But I like puzzles. For the most part I'm very reserved in medical treatment. I look for the most natural approach to my situation. But I also acknowledge that sometimes we need medical intervention; that the medical intervention may be part of God's plan in helping us heal.

This diagnosis also encourages me to keep following the Blood Type A diet. Not because I want to lose weight, it's never been about that. For years I have had chronic stomach issues. Do you know what is on the list of possible conditions caused by MTHFR? IBS. Well, that's bunch of acronyms but hopefully you can follow along. Do you know why MTHFR may be the explanation? Because of this genetic mutation, my body has a hard time removing toxins. And according to the Blood Type diet, certain foods are toxic to certain blood types. I've found a lot of relief following the guidelines in D'Adamo's book. Although I'm having a really hard time giving up olives. Maybe I'm the only one that makes sense of this.

The last thing I realized was that I needed to forgive the OB who delivered my first loss in 2003. On Wednesday I was reminded of where I was 10 years ago; at the hospital delivering the baby I lost. I had many emotions rambling around which I shared previously but I held out on one; bitterness. I was bitter towards that doctor for her terrible bed side manners and the mistreatment of my baby. Her behavior was so terrible it even shocked the nurses, and I received so many apologies from them trying to make up for it. I learned a few years later of what was going on in the L&D floor that may have contributed to her behavior. I just wish she would have left that bad mood at the door. I could go into details, but I don't want to ruin her career. And I think if I put it out there, it would just make the bitterness live on. So, Dr Juicy Fruits (not her real name)...I forgive you.

Another puzzle piece

I tried to describe to someone what my fertility journey has been like. It's been like trying to arrange a puzzle, realizing there are missing pieces and then finding the pieces lost all over the house and putting them back one by one.

Where to start...there are a few things on my mind.

Saddest first. Today is the 10 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. Ten years later, I cried today. Do I cry every year, no. Unfortunately, September 11th is a big reminder of what the date is. 10 years ago on September 11th, I had my 16 week prenatal appointment. It was 2 years after the attack on the twin towers and I felt like there was a curse on the day and was worried about my appointment. B and I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half before being called back. The doctor got out the doppler and couldn't find a heartbeat, and then she tried the in room u/s machine. She told us our baby's heart had stopped and that it was a couple weeks ago - a missed miscarriage, then told us to go home to gather our things and go to the hospital. I chose to be induced and delivered Jacob on 9-12-03.

This year, on the 10 year anniversary I went to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. There were so many emotions tied to this appointment.

Anxiety - over what the treatment options would be. What if they are too invasive? Am I really willing to do them?

Anger - at the medical community who kept telling me I was too young, not trying hard enough, or not trying long enough and blowing me off for so long.

Grief - writing out my medical history brought up those feelings of grief over my losses.

Fear - that the Doctor would tell me that we are a hopeless case.

The good new is the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) was the nicest doctor I have ever met; kind, compassionate. He listened to my concerns, read my history (I wrote it out at home and brought in 4 pages typed), and gave me options. He told me we could be as reserved or aggressive as we want. He does not want to push us into doing anything we didn't want to do, and it was his job to educate us on the options and help us find a good fit for us.

He didn't have a magic answer that explained exactly why I was having a hard time getting pregnant. I wish it was that easy.

He calmed my fears about taking clomid. I had many; I was worried about the side effects that I would feel, and if it would cause issues with my child's fertility. He educated me on the drug, explaining that it's been around since the 1960's and that we have seen children conceived using clomid, now go on to have healthy pregnancies with and without clomid. And he did offer me a second drug option that has less side effects for me, if the clomid makes me feel terrible.

I left the office feeling comfortable with the treatment plan.

The last and most confusing thing is I discovered I have a genetic mutation which may explain my miscarriages. I am Mthfr 1298(A->C) heterozygote. How did I discover this? I requested my file from my previous OB be faxed to the RE. I mentioned specifically that I was looking for some genetic testing I had done in 2006. I remember my old OB telling me that she ran this testing, everything came back normal. But that there was one result that was slightly abnormal but it was nothing to worry about. I asked to see the test result while in the RE's office. I recognized the MTHFR mutation because a couple of girls in my support group have the same thing. I messaged them asking for translation; It causes microclots between the placenta and baby which causes the baby to die (missed m/c) due to lack of nutrients and blood supply. The MTHFR mutation causes a reaction with the folic acid cascade in your body so you're at increased risk for neural tube defects.

I asked the RE about it, and he said that he really has no concern over it. He said I could take additional folic acid to cover the deficiency caused by the mutation.

In some ways this gives me peace, knowing that there was a cause. But because it is something that isn't really researched in the medical community, there's not a lot of support in helping me treat it. Looks like I have my research cut out for me.

Meet The Mercers Took a Vacation

So the Mercer's took their first vacation in 6 years. First time with a kid, and we added our 8 month old puppy too. We went to our favorite home away from home - Rochester NY. We left Friday night and came home Sunday afternoon. And while it was good as a first trip it was honestly way too short. I was hoping to do two kid friendly activities while there; the Strong's Children's Museum and the Seneca Zoo. Time would only allow a trip to the Children's museum but it was totally worth it. If we are Facebook friends, you can view the pictures there but since this blog is a little more public, I'm going to keep the pictures limited.

Bailey was such a good boy during the 4 1/2 hr car ride

 Mini Wegman's exhibit - Kids shopped for 5 items, and then went through checkout. They could also be the cashier and work the belt and the register. The food was so realistic looking. E loved this so much he went through twice.

 Left: Bearenstein Bears exhibit
Right: Sesame Street exhibit

Anxiety...taking this month off

So it's August and this time last year I got pregnant with my May 2013 angel Tristan. If I were to get pregnant this year, this month; my due date would be the same. It was a little too much. I debated, feeling like if I skipped this month I'd be losing momentum. But then every time I thought about the due date and all the milestones being the same I'd just get this sick feeling. Plus the last two cycles have been very symptomatic, I wanted to see if I would still feel that way knowing that it was a very (very) slim chance that I was pregnant. I mean, sure things happen and birth control methods are not 100% but chances are very slim.

Next month I will be visiting a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I finally got a Doctor who listened to me about having a hard time getting pregnant and didn't tell me I was too young or hadn't been trying long enough. She looked at the whole picture and then referred me to the RE. 

Since May I've been using the natural methods to increase my progesterone; a Vitamin B supplement with Vitamin C, Zinc and Magnesium. Plus Vitanica Pregnancy Prep which contains Vitex. I have noticed some of the signs of low progesterone get better. For instance, my heels were terribly cracked. I always thought it was because I walk around barefoot the majority of the time. But now I notice that they are not nearly as cracked, and are getting softer. I've also been losing weight without much effort and my general anxiety levels are lower.

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Cinderella

Advice I would give my 25 yr old self about TTC, Miscarriage and Infertility

• Join a support group. No really, do it. In 2012 you found one through Babycenter, after the loss of Tristan, and it has helped so much. You were left wishing you would have found one in 2003 after the loss of Jacob. Not only for your emotional help but because you have learned so much about fertility and how to advocate for yourself at the doctors. 
• Be an advocate for your health. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT let the Doctors tell you that you are too young to be worrying about infertility. Trying for over a year and not being able to get pregnant is considered infertility - whether you're 23 or 32. And it's 6 months of trying if you're over 35. 
• Learn what they can test beyond just prolactin and TSH, those are the standard tests. I have a friend whose been through this, and she recommended getting my progesterone checked 7 days past a positive ovulation test. Therein lies my issue - progesterone, I'm not ovulating regularly due to low progesterone. Now that I know what's causing the issue, I know what I can do to increase my fertility. 
• Because of your miscarriage, there is now a loss of innocence during pregnancy. When you do get pregnant in 2008 you are going to be a hot mess of worry. And it's ok to worry but your baby is going to be a great kid. He's now 4 years old and absolutely amazing. 
• It is ok to announce your pregnancy early. You are a mommy the second that the pregnancy test turns positive. And after trying for 5 years you're going to want to shout it from the roof tops, enjoy. If you were to have miscarriage, it is nice to have the support of those around you. 
• Not everyone will stand by your side, you may have friends who pull away. Grief is difficult to go through, and it's just as difficult to see. Many people do not understand the loss of a child and they expect you to "just get over it". 
• Dad's grieve differently, but they've lost a child too. For B, that means going on 60 mile bike rides. 
• You will learn to be happy for preggos.
• People can say incredibly cruel things.
• There is nothing you could have done to save Jacob or Tristan.
• It was nothing that you did that caused the miscarriages.
• Give yourself time to grieve. 
• Some days are easier than others, and some days are really hard.
• Miscarriage can happen again.
• You are not alone

Chasing Rainbows: Part 2.5

Ok, so I went back to the vampires and had my progesterone checked for a second time this cycle. I did this for a couple reasons; the first is that the morning before they called me with my results I decided to take another ovulation test and it was positive. Now, the process of trying to conceive can really make us crazy. And this has been a crazy month. I didn't mention this to the nurse when she called with my results because I just thought I was crazy. But when cycle day 28 arrived and I didn't get my period, and after talking with a few friends who have been through all this I called my OB's office and requested a second 7 DPO progesterone draw, with the assumption that I ovulated cycle day 23.

So why did I take another ovulation test after getting a positive on cycle day 14? Well, I honestly didn't believe that cycle day 14's results were correct. I've been tracking my ovulation for almost a year - except obviously the months that I was pregnant and then the month I miscarried; and in tracking my ovulation I have ovulated either cycle day 17, or if it's a stressful month I ovulated cycle day 23.  And after 6 months of trying, after my miscarriage, and using the cheapo ovulation tests I was sick of analyzing lines and decided to use one of the big fancy brands with a smiley face that flashes to let you know you're LH is peaking, and then another smiley for ovulation day. As usual I started testing on cycle day 13 and got a negative and then cycle day 14 I got a positive, but there was no blinky smiley face. I thought it was strange but I'd been using red raspberry leaf tea this month, so I thought maybe I was finally regulating my ovulation or something. I still questioned the results so I ran out and bought the cheapos again. I tested the next day and after staring at the lines I assumed it was a positive. But after my cycle day 21, 7 DPO progesterone draw came back so low and then I didn't get my period on cycle day 28, as I usually do, I started to wonder if the test was wrong.

Honestly, it was worth it to me to get the progesterone draw at cycle day 30, 7 DPO for CD 23, and get a full picture rather than jump immediately into fertility drugs. And if this comes back low again, then I will have to think on it some more.

UPDATE: I got my results back and I am now at 3.3. So I am now in the normal range but still very low. I was told that I want that number to be more like 5, at the very least. So my plan is; between now and August, I am going to attempt natural methods to increase my progesterone. That will include reducing stress, eating whole foods and a combination of herbs including; red raspberry leaf tea and supplement called Pregnancy Prep. If by August I am not pregnant, I will see my OB again for my annual exam and I will discuss with her other options, to see if there is an alternative to Clomid such as just progesterone.

Chasing Rainbows: Part Two

Well, let's start with Part 2 doesn't have the fairy tale ending that I was hoping for...yet. Two days after my post on 4/29/13 I got my period early. My May 2nd appointment with my OB/Gyn wasn't my first prenatal appointment instead it was a discussion of what to do next which resulted in lab work being ordered: prolactin and TSH (Thyroid) and a 7 DPO progesterone reading.  As per my usual routine I started using Ovulation kits on cycle day 12 and got a positive on CD 14, which is 3 days early for me and in some cycles 9 days early. My Angel's due date, May 16 came and went and left me feeling a sense of closure. On May 16 a Facebook friend posted a scripture that just really hit home: Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (NIV). 
I went in and had my 7 DPO blood work and at 10 DPO I got the call from my OB's assistant; everything looks normal BUT my progesterone was 0.6 which is too low for me to have ovulated this month. She did stress that this doesn't mean that I'm not always ovulating, I have had 3 pregnancies so I have to have ovulated at least that many times. And then she started talking about clomid, ultrasounds, more blood work, sperm analysis for my husband, etc. When I received this call, I was in the car and my head was spinning. After handing up, I felt like my heart was as heavy as a ton of bricks. Clomid was not the path I wanted to be taking. An hour later I had to call my OB's office back because after hanging up the phone I then had a million and one questions. Unfortunately, none of them could be answered with that phone call and I will have to return for another appointment.
After a few days of consideration and research I've come to a couple of conclusions. One: Clomid is a last resort for me. I now know what the issue is, I know what to pray about and what I need to address. Clomid does not fix the progesterone issue, but yes I do realize that it may speed up the process. I have researched other natural ways of getting my progesterone levels back to normal. To include diet, exercise and herbal remedies. The good news with diet is that whole foods are recommended which is already part of my normal eating habits and is much easier to maintain during the summers in Ohio. And exercise is also easier with the nicer weather plus I learned how to ride a bike this spring and we have a 20 week old puppy who needs a good long walk frequently.
My second conclusion is that I'm realizing just how much of a miracle my son E is. For him to be conceived, and to have been a full term, live birth pregnancy is not only amazing. But for me to have gotten pregnant with him after 5 years of trying, not ovulating regularly and not having medical intervention is astounding. Praise God!
In my support group for the women who have lost our May 2013 angels, I posted this verse today: Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." However, I shared lyrics to a song by Josh Wilson called Before the Morning based on that verse; "The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the JOY that's coming!" I felt that this verse held some importance to my current situation but I'm just not sure what exactly that meaning is yet.

Chasing Rainbows: Part One

**For those that don't know, a Rainbow baby is a baby that is conceived after a miscarriage. My son E is my first Rainbow, who was conceived 5 years after my 2003 miscarriage "Jacob" and subsequent struggles to get pregnant. In October 2012 I suffered a second miscarriage "Tristan" who would have been due May 16, 2013.
4/29/13 I hope part two has a good ending. I am currently in the two week wait, 11 days past ovulation and coming into the month when my angel would have been due (May 16, 2013). After being advised to wait for two years before trying to get pregnant after having our son, then trying for another two years to get pregnant, finally getting pregnant and then miscarrying last October; all I've wanted is to get pregnant again and move on with my life. I want another child, a sibling for E. And every month that has passed since we decided to try again I feel stuck in this cycle, like the movie Groundhogs Day. My period arrives, I have a week of normalcy, and then 10-15 days of ovulation testing, a positive ovulation test and then another two week wait. During that two week wait I start to analyze any and all symptoms, hope that they are signs of pregnancy and then talk myself into taking a home pregnancy test way too early, and then keep testing until my period arrives again. Every.single.month! I'm currently on cycle 5 of trying since my miscarriage. During the follow up for my miscarriage I talked to my OB about my struggles to get pregnant (5 yrs for E, 2 yrs for angel) and we decided I would track my ovulation and if by May 2013 I wasn't pregnant we would discuss further options i.e. medications. I would really prefer not to go on medication. But I also don't want to wait another 2 years or 5 yrs for another child.
So here we are, approaching May 2013 and I'm not pregnant. My appointment is May 2nd, I will be 14 DPO if my period hasn't arrived yet. I'm stuck in my Groundhog Day cycle of analyzing every symptom, and I've already taken ehem, 3 home pregnancy tests - all negative of course.
So why do I feel like if this month isn't it, then I'm hopeless? I'm not sure I could face my angel's due date without having a new pregnancy to look forward to. I did that for 5 years already - the years between my first angel Jacob and when I was pregnant with E. I also had asked a friend to pray for me and during her prayer she prophesied that I would be pregnant within 3 months. I wrote the date down, three months from the day she said that. Three cycles went by since that prayer and nothing has happened. But I still had some time before that date I wrote down, and coincidentally I had a positive ovulation test that day. I felt like it was a sign. I also called to schedule my May appointment with my OB, to talk about what was going on and it was scheduled for the day my period was due, sign #2. And if I don't get a positive pregnancy test this month, I think I'm considering myself crazy and a "pee on a stick addict" who is in need of a serious intervention.
So I have 3 options; I go to my OB's appointment and get a positive pregnancy test then because I'm doing taking them at home, my period arrives and I talk to the OB about going onto medication to help me conceive or my period arrives and I tell the OB I need to go onto birth control because I just don't want to think about being pregnant and I can't face another two week wait for a while.
That is why I am feeling hopeless.

Mediterranean Chicken & Rice

3 tbsp of olive oil
4-6 Boneless skinless chicken thighs
2 cloves of garlic
1/2 lemon - juiced
2 stalks of oregano or 1 tsp dried
4 basil leaves or 1 tsp dried 
Sprinkle of salt
1 cup rice
3 cups chicken stock or white wine  
1-2 cups of your preferred vegetable; we've used broccoli or green beans

Preheat oven to 375 F. I used a 5 Quart dutch oven for this recipe so that I could use one pan on stovetop and move it immediately into oven. If you don't have a dutch oven, you can still cook this stove top at a simmer until the water is absorbed into the rice and it's fluffy.
Heat pan with olive oil. Cook chicken in olive oil for a couple minutes, enough to get each side slightly browned. Reduce heat. Add garlic to the chicken. Add lemon and sprinkle salt oregano and basil into pan too. Add rice and chicken stock, make sure all rice is covered, bring to a boil. Add your preferred vegetable and then move the pan into oven.  Bake for 40 minutes, until the water is absorbed and the rice is fluffy.

Losing Tristan

Last night I miscarried for the second time. My first miscarriage was in 2003 and I was 16 weeks along, although the baby was only 13 weeks. I had no idea, no bleeding or anything and it wasn't until my doctor searched for a heartbeat and couldn't find one that I knew. I was sent the hospital and given the option for a D&C or to be induced and to deliver. I chose the delivery option. And after that experience I never wanted to be in that situation again.
When I got pregnant with my son in 2008 (Due 2009), I was a bundle of nerves and was thankful for some cysts on my ovaries that meant that I'd get frequent ultrasounds. I watched him grow and wiggle on the screen. I even got to carry him to full term plus one week and now I have a healthy 3 year old boy who I am grateful for, enjoy and love, even when he drives me crazy.
In September 2012, I found out I was pregnant again. This was after 2 years of trying and I was just starting to think that it wasn't going to happen. My first clue was how nauseated I was, which was something I didn't experience with either pregnancy before. Everything seemed to be progressing with no problem. I had an ultrasound at what the Doctor calculated to be 9 weeks 5 days and it showed the baby was only 7 weeks 5 days but it had a heartbeat. I thought nothing of it, with my son my due date was adjusted by 10 days. Plus I knew my own cycle and figured I was somewhere in between the two dates. I went to the doctor for what should have been my 12 week appointment, and was now my 10 week appointment due to the ultrasound adjustment. She offered to listen for a heartbeat but told me that it may be difficult to find because my due date was now changed. I told her that due to my previous miscarriage I would probably get a little freaked out if she couldn't find a heartbeat and we decided I would come back in a couple weeks.
That night, I started cramping. I figured it was my uterus stretching or maybe even gas. The next morning I had some spotting but it was really light. I knew I had overexerted myself the day before and just kept an eye on things. We went about our business for Saturday, I watched my husband's cyclocross race and then we came home that afternoon. I sat down with my feet up for a while and seemed to feel better. But a few hours later the spotting became a little darker. I went to the ER and they checked me out, did an ultrasound and the doctor came back to deliver the news; the baby no longer has a heartbeat and stopped growing around 8 weeks. He sent me home with instructions to follow up with my doctor on Monday. He told me what to watch for, and that if my bleeding became heavier to come back.
On Monday I called my doctors office, it was my doctors surgery day and so I scheduled an appointment to see her on Tuesday morning. As the day progressed, I started having labor pains, contractions that were 3 minutes apart and getting closer together. I was trying to get through them without my 3 yr old noticing, and my husband was out on his bike and would be back within the hour. At 6:30 pm I started passing clots and the pain was constant. I tried to breath my way through the pain and cope. By 8 pm I was gushing blood and decided it was time to go to the hospital.
After talking to my husband, we decided he would stay home with our 3 year old - to try and keep things as "normal" for him at home as we could. My aunt drove me to the ER and stayed with me. The ER doctor examined me and relieved me of a couple large clots that were blocking me. She then called the OB on call, who happened to be my doctor, thank you God! My doctor came down and discussed my options for me. This time the D&C seemed to be the best option and they got me in quickly. I was anxious because I had never been put under anesthesia before, I'd only had a spinal during my c-section delivery in 2009. My doctor is so good with handling me and my worries and put my mind at ease. By 1 am, I was awake and recovering and sent home. Now to rest for the next couple days.
This miscarriage is so different from my miscarriage in 2003. That first miscarriage I was so attached to the pregnancy and despondent after the procedure. This time around, it's more medical and I'm just trying to recover. I'm still emotional but perhaps this time I won't be as devastated. Although at this point I'm not sure on how I feel about trying again. I want more kids but I don't want to spend my time worrying about another miscarriage or to experience any of this again.

Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

I found this recipe online years ago and it has been our go-to since then.

Ingredients
1 cup butter, softened *
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
3 cups quick-cooking oats
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

*For a really awesome cookie, replace 1/2 cup of butter with 1/2 cup of Peanut Butter - YUM!!!

Directions
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar, and white sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, baking soda, and salt; stir into the creamed mixture until just blended. Mix in the quick oats, and chocolate chips. Drop by heaping spoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets.
Bake for 12 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

Chocolate Covered Pretzel Frappe

Fill your 16 oz glass with ice all the way to the top. 

Then cover the ice with your milk of choice (ours is Almond Milk). Pour into your blender.

 Add 1 tbsp of Toffee Nut Syrup (Sold at Starbucks, or substitute Vanilla Syrup, you can purchase in the coffee aisle at your local store) 2 tbsp of cocoa powder (such as Ghirardelli's Double Chocolate Powder or Trader Joe's Sipping Chocolate), a small handful of pretzels and a few chocolate chips if you'd like. Blend until the mixture moves smoothly through your blender. If it does not move smoothly add more milk.