Let Me Dream for You

On June 1, 2016 I was given a dream. I dreamt I had another child and the dream was detailed as far as his name, his weight and that I experienced a hard and fast labor.
Two things that made this dream easy to ignore: 1) While I would enjoy another child, my husband and I had decided we were good with the two we had. And I started getting rid of the baby stuff. I was already 35, and I knew that being pregnant at 35+ you get treated very differently. I weighed more than I personally wanted and I wanted to focus on losing that weight and getting back to good health. And I knew that I absolutely did not want to have another c-section.
2) Since I've had two c-sections, a hard and fast labor seemed very unlikely as I probably wouldn't be able to find someone to do a vaginal birth after 2 csections (VBA2C).
In Mid-July, my husband came to me and said he'd been praying and God gave him a conviction "that He (God) is the giver of life and it is not up to us to make this decision" (I know there are people reading who may not agree with this, please respect that this is our conviction and belief for our family).  To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Again the dream came to mind, but it was easy to ignore for another reason; historically it's taken us between 18 months - 5 years to get pregnant. If this was going to happen, it wouldn't happen any time soon...and I wasn't going to hang on to stuff in hopes of it happening. So, I continued to clear out the baby stuff.
I mailed out the last box of baby stuff to our consignment shop (online place) on August 1...my last period was August 15th. A month later, on September 12 - a day forever marked in my mind as the anniversary of the loss of our first child Jacob in 2003 (14th anniversary for clarification), I found out I was pregnant. We'd just come home from a camping trip and we actually looked at a camper for sale while out but felt it wasn't really a good fit for our family of 4. I'd been feeling off all weekend but figured it was just heat and my period which I was expecting any day. When I found out and told Brandon, I said "We're going to need a bigger camper for sure now. And the one we looked at is not adequate". Within a week or two we found a vintage 1973 Airstream that can sleep 6 that was gutted and ready for refurbishing. But that's all another story.
So now this dream was becoming very real, very hard to ignore. I felt this overwhelming need to focus on Faith over Fear. I'd been so driven by fear in my previous 4 pregnancies, after losing Jacob and even more so after the loss of Tristan.
Another thing that happened while on our camping trip in September was that I fell and injured my leg. 9 months later, I'm still healing and I'm hoping that once this baby is born it will happen faster. At once point I had pain radiating in my right calf which led me to my primary care doctor to be checked for a blood clot. I was all clear. I ended up going back again a few weeks later in worse pain now through my entire leg and barely able to walk, and I was checked via x-ray for any fractures in my lower leg. Still nothing. It was finally after a massage therapist friend came over to work on me that she pointed out that my hip was out of socket and few exercises that I was up and walking again 3 days later. Anyhow, a little sidetracked...while I was at my Primary Care Doctor's office I asked her awesome referrals lady if she knew anyone who would do a VBA2C and she gave me a couple names. I decided to start with the closest practice, which happened to be the same practice I had in the for the first 28 weeks with Alexander only to decide to fire them and go back to my favorite OB who could not offer a VBAC. I should have paid attention to Alexander's pregnancy story but I had hope that it would work out this time.
I didn't feel a rush to schedule my first prenatal appointment, until I was 10 weeks, where previously I'd make sure I was in the office by 6 weeks for reassurance. Unfortunately, my first appointment at 10 weeks was with the doctor I had with Alexander who really made me upset. I gritted my teeth and went in with the plan that I'd see her now and then make it a point to schedule with someone else from here on out. I went in with a high BP, anxious over what would come out of this woman's mouth. She did not disappoint. She immediately pointed out "You're old and you're fat" (this is not a dramatization, this is for real). She tried to tell me my due date was 10 days later than it should have been - meanwhile, the big ultrasound calculator dial on the wall was set to my due date (fun fact: my due date is also my 36th birthday). She tried pegging me with high blood pressure based on my number coming into this appointment and the fact that my BP with my primary care's visit where I though I had a blood clot was high. I made the nurse take it again before I left the office and it was still higher than normal because I was upset, but it was back to a healthy normal range. I also left the office with orders to take a glucose test now, instead of the standard 28 weeks - due to my "old and fat status". I decided to go straight from the appointment to the lab figuring I already had someone watching my kids and might as well get it over with. I failed the test...by 8 points. They wanted me to do the 3 hour test. Long story short I declined and instead decided to do finger pricks and food diaries for two weeks. For the most part my numbers were in a normal range. I had a couple out of range but all explainable and expected for most normal people to have that type of spike.
But, now I had another label "gestational diabetic" to add to "advanced maternal age" and "obese" - all labels I do not attribute to myself.
My next appointment I saw another OB in the practice, she was a newbie there. I asked questions about a VBA2C to which she was open but unsure of the practice's stance. Two weeks later when we were going over my glucose numbers we discussed again since she'd had a chance to run it by the rest of the practice. I had now risked out of this particular hospital's VBAC care and would be expected to have a repeat c-section.  I reiterated that I did think this is possible and I was going to pursue a VBA2C and would spend the next few weeks searching for a hospital that had a high risk unit. She gave me a couple names and at 15/16 weeks I left that practice.
I spent the next week calling around, researching other OBs and midwives, asking for recommendations from friends. I thought if I went with a midwife I may have better success at a VBA2C. I called one who specialized in high risk pregnancies, spent a long time on the phone with her assistant discussing health history and making it very clear I am considered gestational diabetic. Her assistant then relayed my health history to her and got the "come on in" - scheduling me for my 20 week appointment.  I went to that appointment and the midwife stated she was not concerned at all with any of my "labels".  However, hospital policy is that I get referred to a Diabetes Boot Camp where I'd meet with a High Risk OB, a Diabetes Educator and a Nutritionist. I asked if this was a hand off to high risk or a co-care situation and she said she wasn't exactly sure. I went to the Boot Camp, at now 24 weeks pregnant, and asked the same question and the high risk OB told me I was clear to go back to the midwife.
I called and scheduled my 28 week appointment with the midwife. The week before my appointment we were having some insurance issues and I called to ask if I could put off one of my ultrasounds for a week until it got cleared up. This call brought to the midwife's attention that I was on her docket for an appointment and her assistant called me back and told me I needed to see a doctor. No true explanation, even after I told her I did see the high risk OB and was cleared to back to her. Frustrated, feeling like my care had become like a game of hot potato, I had already been looking at other hospital systems. I was in talks with another large hospital which was closer to us and had a high risk unit as well. I told my midwife's assistant that I was already considering leaving this hospital and to give me a couple days to figure it out. Unfortunately, the other hospital system wasn't very confident of my ability to have a successful VBA2C. However, God brought other people in my life who pointed me in the direction of a hospital system I would have never considered, and a VBAC support group. And at this hospital system they have a high risk OB whose passion is for VBACs and he has a high success rate. Of course, it would take a few weeks before I could get an appointment with him, I would be 32 weeks.
In the meantime a few other things happened:
1) the first OB practice I saw sent me a letter. They had marked me as a non-compliant patient because I hadn't been back to their practice since I was 16 weeks. Signed by the doctor who I told I was going to pursue a VBA2C and would look for another provider. And they mentioned that I'd seen other doctors within the hospital system (because they're all linked) - further proof that I'd been trying to find proper care. And the letter finalized with the comment that this local hospital would not be available to me for care in case of an emergency.
2) The assistant at my midwife's office called me after a week and asked me what my plan was. I told her I was switching to this other hospital system where there's a doctor who specializes in VBACs. However, it would be a few weeks before my appointment. She asked if there was anything they could do in the meantime. I told her I wanted to come in for an appointment, just so I have on record that I'm trying to receive care. My midwife was not available, so I was scheduled with a doctor.
At 30 weeks I went to see the doctor at my midwife's office. Her assistant encouraged me to discuss my care so far and the game of hot potato that has ensued. Instead of helping, the OB treated me like I was an idiot for going to the midwife in the first place because midwives don't handle gestation diabetes patients. I tried explaining that I had discussed the diabetes with the midwife before even coming in to her care at 20 weeks and she was the one who gave me the go ahead to come in. Secondly, since the first OB practice I saw marked me as non-compliant,  and these practices are linked in the same hospital system, this OB saw this mark and decided to use my urine sample as an opportunity to run a drug test. All without my consent or knowledge, or even meeting with me!
I spent some time on the phone with the hospital's patient advocacy group and I filed a complaint for a number of issues of my care there. However, I do not have high hopes of anything coming of that phone call.
Fast forward a couple weeks, I'm now 32 weeks and seeing the VBAC specialist. Even though I'd given my previous hospital's records department about 3 weeks to get files over to him, they hadn't arrived yet. So I spent about an hour talking with his resident going over my medical history and sharing my copies of test results. Met with the doctor and he was so confident and reassuring that a VBA2C was possible. My labels didn't worry him too much, my blood sugars looked good and were mostly normal so we'd just keep an eye on things.  I am now seeing my labor part of the dream become a possibility! He listened to my story about my care so far, asked for names of those doctors, shook his head, rolled his eyes at their ACOG misquotes and we scheduled me for another 2 weeks. I went back for the next appointment full of my what if's questions. He answered them and called me out on being skeptical. I went home and thought on that for a while. As I described it to a friend; these first two appointments were a lot like dating. The first one was "does he like me, will he want to see me again" and the second appointment I'd done the research, the medical journal article stalking and was running my due diligence that he wasn't crazy.
I'm now approaching 37 weeks, seeing him weekly and even more confident in his care. However, I got one more label...I have tested positive for group B strep. My thought on these labels is that this is just a distraction from the dream, the vision that God gave me last June. Yes, they are medical issues and I will pay attention to them. But overall I know who is in control and will put my Faith over Fear. I even found a shirt that I've been wearing the past few weeks that says the same.
So, you've made it this far. You've read all the personal details and committed yourself to the story. What can you do? Please pray for me friends. For my health and safety, for the health and safety of this new little boy I will be bringing into this world very soon. Encourage me, encourage my family. And lastly, be an advocate for yourself, get a second opinion if you think you need one - pay it forward, if you are being mistreated by a medical professional, speak up but remain respectful.
One last thing, since you've stuck with me. I dreamt that we had another son (we've had a few confirming ultrasounds) and we named him Ryan. He was 7 lbs 14 oz in my dream (we shall see what his birthday brings).
**The blog's title "Let Me Dream For You" is a reference to a song by Casting Crowns called "Dream for You"

Birth Announcement - Better Late Than Never

A reader emailed me for an update on the arrival of our rainbow, reminding me that I never updated my blog. Whoops!

Baby A Mercer arrived June 2, 2014 via c-section, which was much more calm and relaxed than his big brother's arrival via c-section. He came out screaming and at a whopping 9 lbs 1 oz. I joke with my OB that the baby aspirin did it's job and he got the nutrients he needed in-vitro. It is now mid-August and he is 10 weeks old.

Big brother E is a wonderful big brother, very loving and attentive. And the dog, who I worried would be too hyper, loves to give Baby A kisses: on his head, feet, hands, face, etc. I'm hoping they will be buddies as A grows.

We chose the middle name Jace for our second rainbow. It means "a healing". I feel that this journey, through his pregnancy and delivery, has been a healing journey.

And now for a few pictures of our sweet one. This was taken at the hospital. The onesie was a gift from my miscarriage support group "The Brites", each of our rainbow babies has received one. The second is a picture of "my boys" - so much love in this picture. Thank you for your support through our journey. And for those who have reached out, asking for advice and sharing your struggles as well, you are in my thoughts and I'm praying for each of you. Love, H

So I fired my OB

I will be 30 weeks on Monday and last week I fired my OB. Sensational title - I know, because I am still under the care of an OB just not the one I saw for the first 30 weeks of this pregnancy.
Since having E in 2009 and the conversation that followed with my community hospital OB I planned on having a VBAC. However, my community hospital does not support VBACs. But my OB gave me instructions of how to increase my chances of success. I waited the two years for my scar to heal completely. And then I transferred to the "bigger and better" hospital for care during this pregnancy, where they would support a VBAC.
My entire dilemma during this pregnancy was that I loved my community hospital OB. I met her when she delivered my son. She had this amazing way of keeping me calm when I really should have been freaking out. And then she was by my side in 2012 when I lost Tristan.
The practice at the "bigger and better" hospital had 6 doctors that I would rotate between. At first I thought I'd like it. And in the beginning I did. I had access to a great Reproductive Endocrinologist. Also, during those early weeks they had a small in office ultrasound machine that helped ease some fears. But then it turned into 6 different opinions, a lot of blowing things off that I thought were of concern, and not feeling like I could discuss anything with them. Add in a couple of insurance issues, "bigger and better" also meant way more expensive and therefore less coverage. I was paying more out of pocket for a routine pregnancy ultrasound than I was paying for my monthly car payment. I also had some non-urgent pregnancy issues that came up that took my 50/50 chance of a successful VBAC down to more like 20% chance of success.
So I was left with a choice. Do I stick it out with a practice that I wasn't comfortable with, to attempt a VBAC that my chances of success had been significantly lowered and not knowing who would be there to deliver and how they are during delivery? Or do I return to my favorite community OB who I am comfortable with?
At 28.5 weeks I pulled the trigger and fired my OB, then called my favorite community OB and re-established myself with her. I had my appointment this past Friday and I am so glad I did this. And while the local community doesn't "support VBACs" - it only means that they wouldn't induce me for a VBAC, but if I were to come in in labor and was far enough along, they wouldn't stop me just to do a c-section. That being said they do have to plan ahead, and they plan a c-section for the week prior to my due date in expectation that I wouldn't go into labor on my own.
But my favorite recent quote is "want to make a baby laugh? Make plans." We shall see what the next 10 weeks hold.

16 Weeks (Actually 20 weeks); Taking a Deep Breath

To explain the title; I have been trying to write this blog post since I was 16 weeks pregnant. I am now 20 weeks, soon to be 21 weeks and I think I finally know what I want to say. I've written, erased and rewritten this post a number of times. 16 weeks was my big milestone, the place in pregnancy that I needed to get through until I started to feel safe and confident. But then 16 weeks hit and I have to admit, confidence was not there. Even now, at 20 weeks I worry about things; is the baby moving enough? are these cramps normal? Am I spotting? Of course, everything is going just great. I'm no longer miserably sick, I'm feeling movement and we had our big anatomy scan a few weeks ago revealing that our baby is Boy #2. Names are being discussed but we're not ready to share them just yet. I'm looking forward to in just a few short weeks B&E will be able to feel the baby moving.

Losing Tristan Revisted - One Year Later

Reflecting on the loss of Tristan a little over a year ago. I blogged about the loss the day after it happened, and rereading it I can feel how disconnected I was from the whole experience. It took a few more weeks, after the shock wore off, before my emotions hit. However, it was not devastation or depression. I'd been through this before, I knew a miscarriage was possible - compared to how I was so naive during my first pregnancy I thought it could never happen to me. During my pregnancy with Tristan I felt that maybe something was wrong. Particularly after my supposed 10 1/2 week ultrasound that showed the baby to be 8 1/2 weeks. Instead, I was left with anger. Anger that burned and destroyed. I put on a good face, smiled when I needed but inside I burned. The target of my anger was for the situation; not myself, nor God. But my arrow would miss the target and burn those around me. Why so angry? Well, after my first miscarriage it took 5 years before I got pregnant with E. During my 6 week follow-up after having E, I asked my OB when I could try for another one and was told after 6 months. I switched OB's within that same year and went back for my annual exam. I asked my new OB the same question. She was the doctor who delivered E, so she was more familiar with what happened. She knew I was upset that I had a c-section. She advised that if I waited 2 years for my c-section scar to heal, I would be a perfect candidate for a VBAC. The next baby could be due on E's 2nd birthday. So, we waited until December 2010. The first few months were fun "oh! If we got pregnant now we could have a baby around this time. Or we could announce this way!" But after 6 months I began to worry that my fertility issues were going to repeat, and this would be tougher than we thought. I will also touch briefly on how stressful 2011 & 2012 we for us, due to other circumstances. A year went by, I started thinking that maybe I needed to look into Clomid. But I was terrified. I decided instead to start tracking my cycles. I downloaded an app on my phone. Another six months went by, and after determining my cycles were normal I decided to try ovulation kits. In August, the most stressful event of all occurred. E had to go for dental surgery. I was a mess. After his surgery, I felt dramatically better, like I could breathe deeper. I also had a feeling that I would be pregnant soon, and I knew the baby's name would be Tristan. I won't go into the details of mother's intuition. I tested the end of August and got a big fat negative, preparing myself for another month. A week later, on September 7 I just wasn't feeling right so I took another test and this time I got a positive. When my due date was changed after my ultrasound and my new 10 1/2 weeks arrived and the cramping and spotting started, I hoped for the best but knew this was the end. The ER doctor commented on how dry my mouth was; it was fear. The second I pulled into the parking lot, I was struck with fear. So back to why I was so angry...I was angry that I had to go through trying for 18 months, to finally get pregnant only for that pregnancy to end. Even now that doesn't fully explain it. All the frustrations of trying to conceive before getting pregnant with E, repeating themselves. Plus, on paper my pregnancy with Tristan looked perfectly normal. My OB wasn't even worried about the difference in due dates after my ultrasound. Am I still angry? Yes, a little. But it is no longer burning, seething. This is partly due to the help of the support group I joined after my loss. It took a while. Why post this now? I felt that it was important for me to move on with my life. Important for me to enjoy this new pregnancy.

6 week update

I've made it to 6 weeks, 1 day. I had my ultrasound today and everything is looking great and is measuring right where it should be. I also got to see my sweet baby's heart beat. And confirmed that there is only one in there.
I had HCG and Progesterone levels run at 3 weeks, 6 days and repeated at 4 weeks, 6 days both with normal results.
The specialist released me to my regular OB/Gyn and I have an appointment with her the first week of November.

Chasing Rainbows: The Last Puzzle Piece?!

Monday was a very exciting day. I got a positive pregnancy test. Yes! A POSITIVE pregnancy test! Actually, two tests. And then I went to the Reproductive Endocrinologists office and had a couple blood tests done. They confirmed I am pregnant and my HCG and Progesterone are both within the normal range. I am four weeks pregnant. I go back next week for repeats of these tests to make sure my levels are rising.
I truly feel that learning about the MTHFR mutation, and then treating it has answered quite a few problems. Or as my post says, I found the last puzzle piece. And because of this, God heard my prayers; I did not need to start Clomid! Can I get an amen! Because, I was very scared to start it.
Pray for a sticky baby (I don't know, it's an internet term for a baby that makes it to term).

I recognize that I have a very small readership on this blog but I also felt this was an important post for those following our story. We are planning on sharing this news with family after my 6.5 week ultrasound. And making a bigger announcement after the NT scan around 13 weeks.

I have 12 more weeks before I will feel like I'm in my "safe" zone.