Monday, April 29, 2013

Chasing Rainbows: Part One

**For those that don't know, a Rainbow baby is a baby that is conceived after a miscarriage. My son E is my first Rainbow, who was conceived 5 years after my 2003 miscarriage "Jacob" and subsequent struggles to get pregnant. In October 2012 I suffered a second miscarriage "Tristan" who would have been due May 16, 2013.
4/29/13 I hope part two has a good ending. I am currently in the two week wait, 11 days past ovulation and coming into the month when my angel would have been due (May 16, 2013). After being advised to wait for two years before trying to get pregnant after having our son, then trying for another two years to get pregnant, finally getting pregnant and then miscarrying last October; all I've wanted is to get pregnant again and move on with my life. I want another child, a sibling for E. And every month that has passed since we decided to try again I feel stuck in this cycle, like the movie Groundhogs Day. My period arrives, I have a week of normalcy, and then 10-15 days of ovulation testing, a positive ovulation test and then another two week wait. During that two week wait I start to analyze any and all symptoms, hope that they are signs of pregnancy and then talk myself into taking a home pregnancy test way too early, and then keep testing until my period arrives again. Every.single.month! I'm currently on cycle 5 of trying since my miscarriage. During the follow up for my miscarriage I talked to my OB about my struggles to get pregnant (5 yrs for E, 2 yrs for angel) and we decided I would track my ovulation and if by May 2013 I wasn't pregnant we would discuss further options i.e. medications. I would really prefer not to go on medication. But I also don't want to wait another 2 years or 5 yrs for another child.
So here we are, approaching May 2013 and I'm not pregnant. My appointment is May 2nd, I will be 14 DPO if my period hasn't arrived yet. I'm stuck in my Groundhog Day cycle of analyzing every symptom, and I've already taken ehem, 3 home pregnancy tests - all negative of course.
So why do I feel like if this month isn't it, then I'm hopeless? I'm not sure I could face my angel's due date without having a new pregnancy to look forward to. I did that for 5 years already - the years between my first angel Jacob and when I was pregnant with E. I also had asked a friend to pray for me and during her prayer she prophesied that I would be pregnant within 3 months. I wrote the date down, three months from the day she said that. Three cycles went by since that prayer and nothing has happened. But I still had some time before that date I wrote down, and coincidentally I had a positive ovulation test that day. I felt like it was a sign. I also called to schedule my May appointment with my OB, to talk about what was going on and it was scheduled for the day my period was due, sign #2. And if I don't get a positive pregnancy test this month, I think I'm considering myself crazy and a "pee on a stick addict" who is in need of a serious intervention.
So I have 3 options; I go to my OB's appointment and get a positive pregnancy test then because I'm doing taking them at home, my period arrives and I talk to the OB about going onto medication to help me conceive or my period arrives and I tell the OB I need to go onto birth control because I just don't want to think about being pregnant and I can't face another two week wait for a while.
That is why I am feeling hopeless.