Thursday, December 5, 2013

Losing Tristan Revisted - One Year Later

Reflecting on the loss of Tristan a little over a year ago. I blogged about the loss the day after it happened, and rereading it I can feel how disconnected I was from the whole experience. It took a few more weeks, after the shock wore off, before my emotions hit. However, it was not devastation or depression. I'd been through this before, I knew a miscarriage was possible - compared to how I was so naive during my first pregnancy I thought it could never happen to me. During my pregnancy with Tristan I felt that maybe something was wrong. Particularly after my supposed 10 1/2 week ultrasound that showed the baby to be 8 1/2 weeks. Instead, I was left with anger. Anger that burned and destroyed. I put on a good face, smiled when I needed but inside I burned. The target of my anger was for the situation; not myself, nor God. But my arrow would miss the target and burn those around me. Why so angry? Well, after my first miscarriage it took 5 years before I got pregnant with E. During my 6 week follow-up after having E, I asked my OB when I could try for another one and was told after 6 months. I switched OB's within that same year and went back for my annual exam. I asked my new OB the same question. She was the doctor who delivered E, so she was more familiar with what happened. She knew I was upset that I had a c-section. She advised that if I waited 2 years for my c-section scar to heal, I would be a perfect candidate for a VBAC. The next baby could be due on E's 2nd birthday. So, we waited until December 2010. The first few months were fun "oh! If we got pregnant now we could have a baby around this time. Or we could announce this way!" But after 6 months I began to worry that my fertility issues were going to repeat, and this would be tougher than we thought. I will also touch briefly on how stressful 2011 & 2012 we for us, due to other circumstances. A year went by, I started thinking that maybe I needed to look into Clomid. But I was terrified. I decided instead to start tracking my cycles. I downloaded an app on my phone. Another six months went by, and after determining my cycles were normal I decided to try ovulation kits. In August, the most stressful event of all occurred. E had to go for dental surgery. I was a mess. After his surgery, I felt dramatically better, like I could breathe deeper. I also had a feeling that I would be pregnant soon, and I knew the baby's name would be Tristan. I won't go into the details of mother's intuition. I tested the end of August and got a big fat negative, preparing myself for another month. A week later, on September 7 I just wasn't feeling right so I took another test and this time I got a positive. When my due date was changed after my ultrasound and my new 10 1/2 weeks arrived and the cramping and spotting started, I hoped for the best but knew this was the end. The ER doctor commented on how dry my mouth was; it was fear. The second I pulled into the parking lot, I was struck with fear. So back to why I was so angry...I was angry that I had to go through trying for 18 months, to finally get pregnant only for that pregnancy to end. Even now that doesn't fully explain it. All the frustrations of trying to conceive before getting pregnant with E, repeating themselves. Plus, on paper my pregnancy with Tristan looked perfectly normal. My OB wasn't even worried about the difference in due dates after my ultrasound. Am I still angry? Yes, a little. But it is no longer burning, seething. This is partly due to the help of the support group I joined after my loss. It took a while. Why post this now? I felt that it was important for me to move on with my life. Important for me to enjoy this new pregnancy.