Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Losing Tristan

Last night I miscarried for the second time. My first miscarriage was in 2003 and I was 16 weeks along, although the baby was only 13 weeks. I had no idea, no bleeding or anything and it wasn't until my doctor searched for a heartbeat and couldn't find one that I knew. I was sent the hospital and given the option for a D&C or to be induced and to deliver. I chose the delivery option. And after that experience I never wanted to be in that situation again.
When I got pregnant with my son in 2008 (Due 2009), I was a bundle of nerves and was thankful for some cysts on my ovaries that meant that I'd get frequent ultrasounds. I watched him grow and wiggle on the screen. I even got to carry him to full term plus one week and now I have a healthy 3 year old boy who I am grateful for, enjoy and love, even when he drives me crazy.
In September 2012, I found out I was pregnant again. This was after 2 years of trying and I was just starting to think that it wasn't going to happen. My first clue was how nauseated I was, which was something I didn't experience with either pregnancy before. Everything seemed to be progressing with no problem. I had an ultrasound at what the Doctor calculated to be 9 weeks 5 days and it showed the baby was only 7 weeks 5 days but it had a heartbeat. I thought nothing of it, with my son my due date was adjusted by 10 days. Plus I knew my own cycle and figured I was somewhere in between the two dates. I went to the doctor for what should have been my 12 week appointment, and was now my 10 week appointment due to the ultrasound adjustment. She offered to listen for a heartbeat but told me that it may be difficult to find because my due date was now changed. I told her that due to my previous miscarriage I would probably get a little freaked out if she couldn't find a heartbeat and we decided I would come back in a couple weeks.
That night, I started cramping. I figured it was my uterus stretching or maybe even gas. The next morning I had some spotting but it was really light. I knew I had overexerted myself the day before and just kept an eye on things. We went about our business for Saturday, I watched my husband's cyclocross race and then we came home that afternoon. I sat down with my feet up for a while and seemed to feel better. But a few hours later the spotting became a little darker. I went to the ER and they checked me out, did an ultrasound and the doctor came back to deliver the news; the baby no longer has a heartbeat and stopped growing around 8 weeks. He sent me home with instructions to follow up with my doctor on Monday. He told me what to watch for, and that if my bleeding became heavier to come back.
On Monday I called my doctors office, it was my doctors surgery day and so I scheduled an appointment to see her on Tuesday morning. As the day progressed, I started having labor pains, contractions that were 3 minutes apart and getting closer together. I was trying to get through them without my 3 yr old noticing, and my husband was out on his bike and would be back within the hour. At 6:30 pm I started passing clots and the pain was constant. I tried to breath my way through the pain and cope. By 8 pm I was gushing blood and decided it was time to go to the hospital.
After talking to my husband, we decided he would stay home with our 3 year old - to try and keep things as "normal" for him at home as we could. My aunt drove me to the ER and stayed with me. The ER doctor examined me and relieved me of a couple large clots that were blocking me. She then called the OB on call, who happened to be my doctor, thank you God! My doctor came down and discussed my options for me. This time the D&C seemed to be the best option and they got me in quickly. I was anxious because I had never been put under anesthesia before, I'd only had a spinal during my c-section delivery in 2009. My doctor is so good with handling me and my worries and put my mind at ease. By 1 am, I was awake and recovering and sent home. Now to rest for the next couple days.
This miscarriage is so different from my miscarriage in 2003. That first miscarriage I was so attached to the pregnancy and despondent after the procedure. This time around, it's more medical and I'm just trying to recover. I'm still emotional but perhaps this time I won't be as devastated. Although at this point I'm not sure on how I feel about trying again. I want more kids but I don't want to spend my time worrying about another miscarriage or to experience any of this again.

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