Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Getting pregnant with E, our Rainbow baby, Infertility Part 2

During the winter of 2007 I was really starting to get upset that we hadn't gotten pregnant. It was then that I started really seeking God. I mean, all this time I had been praying, crying and begging with God about it but somehow the game changed winter 2007. There was something expectant stirring in me like I wasn't trying anymore, I was just waiting. During a woman's brunch in February 2008 a woman prophesied over me that I would be pregnant within 9 months of that day. Sometime late spring/early summer I was driving in the evening. I hate driving in the dark and to help keep me calm I pray. All I remember is driving home praying; beating my fists, screaming pretty much throwing a huge temper tantrum to God asking him for a baby. And all the while thinking I've got to get myself together, my mother in law and sister in law are at my house for a visit and I don't want them to know I was crying. August 22, 2008 I hadn't missed my period yet, I just woke up feeling strange. I stayed home from work that day and while watching the news I started bawling my eyes out. That was my "ah-ha moment" and off I went to pick up a pregnancy test which I took that afternoon and within seconds I had a positive test. I could write about my pregnancy but I'd like to stay on the topic of infertility. I spent the first 16 weeks holding my breath worrying that something would go wrong but all the while feeling confident that my baby was healthy. At 41 weeks I gave birth to my son via emergency c-section. I was not happy that I had a c-section, I didn't want to be induced but I also wanted my little boy to arrive safely. And this part of the story is a whole different topic. 
During my first follow up with my doctor, the one I saw my entire pregnancy but didn't deliver my son, I asked her how soon I could get pregnant again. And she recommended 6 months. 
I had another follow up at 6 months, probably because it was time for my annual exam. This time I went to the doctor who delivered my son. I had time to think about my previous doctor and decided that the doctor who delivered my son made me feel much more comfortable.
Anyhow, I went to visit the second doctor and we discussed any future pregnancies. She suggested I wait until my son is at least 18 months to give my c-section time to completely heal. We also went over the reasons for my emergency c-section and my disappointment with the experience. The doctor told me that I was an excellent candidate for a VBAC but I would have to find another hospital as hers doesn't support them. So "waiting until E is 2 for #2" became my mantra until December 13, 2010 when we finally decided that we were ready to try again. It is now February 29, 2012. We have been trying for 14 months.
I'm currently playing that "waiting" game of am I pregnant? My boobs hurt, is this because I'm pregnant or because my period is on it's way. I took a pregnancy test today. The little calendar thing on my phone says I won't start my period for another week. But as I previously mentioned we had a stressful fall of 2011. So my periods were off (another annoyance when TTC) and I basing my expected period date on my body's signals instead of the date on the calendar.  
Again this past fall I had expectancy feeling like I wasn't trying anymore I was waiting for something. And since Christmas I have felt like a magnet to it's match. I feel a pull and like I am so close but not quite there yet. And part of me feels depressed about it all over again; upset that it just hasn't happened already! Concerned that it will never happen. Annoyed that B doesn't seem nearly as bothered by this "struggle". Dates keep passing by and I think if I got pregnant this month we would be due around B's birthday. If I got pregnant this month, we could announce it at Easter dinner. If I got pregnant this month, I would have the whole summer to be pregnant and active, but not huge, and hopefully prevent me from adding on too much pregnancy weight. One more month of trying and that means no baby for us in 2012. I look for patterns like we got married in 2003, adopted our cats in 2006, had E in 2009. So 2012 has to mean another baby right?!

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