Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Infertility - When Pregnancy Doesn't Happen When I Want It To Happen Part 1

2-29-12 The day I started writing this;
December 13, 2010 - B got his new position at Cardinal Commerce, which meant that we now have maternity coverage on our insurance. This is a good thing as we had a "whoops" moment this month and didn't use birth control one time during ovulation. 
September 2011 - After seriously giving it a try for 9 months, I decided that we should just go with the flow and try to be relaxed about getting pregnancy.
Between Sept 2011 and February 2012 something stressful has occurred during ovulation; car catches on fire, family drama, more family drama, even more family drama, and again and again and again. Oh and let's also add that B goes to the ER with chest pains. And our 3 yr old takes his own trip to the ER.

Back up a little's a little of our history;
B and I were married March 8, 2003. We are a Christian couple and abstained from intercourse until our wedding night. We used condoms as birth control once we were married and having sex. I was in the final semester of my college degree (BA or was it BS in Psychology).
In April 2003, I went to see a GYN who set me up on birth control. She mentioned that my eyes were bloodshot and we both chalked it up to allergies. 
A few weeks later I had a severe sore throat and then developed white spots. I went to urgent care, strep test was negative. The doctor wanted to do a blood test to test for mono. I freaked out and declined the blood test, doctor sent me home with unofficial diagnosis of mono. 
The birth control pills were making me crazy and mean, after taking them for 2 weeks I quit them. Called the doctor to notify her, and got a lecture. Oh well, in hindsight I really didn't need to call her. Also, I now know that I don't stop BC until I've finished the full month of the pill (AKA period from hell!)
May 2003, I finished my degree and started focusing on my job full time. 
June 2003, my period didn't come. Took a pregnancy test and it was negative. 
July 2003, finally got a positive pregnancy test. My due date would be February 24, 2004. Two days before my Father-In-Law's birthday and during a leap year. And now looking back and knowing that babies come when they want, we could have had a leap year baby. Between July and my miscarriage on Sept 12, 2003 it's a blur. So many other girls I worked with got pregnant. Our office had at least one baby due every month for the next year and a half. 
When scheduling my appointment with the doctor I was a little freaked out that my appointment was on Sept 11, 2003. After 9-11(01) that day was starting to feel like it held a curse. I tried not to think about it. The doctor was late with my appointment because she had an emergency, we waited for almost 2 hours in the waiting room. I was excited for this appointment because it meant we were going to schedule our big ultrasound and get to find out what we were having. Brandon says the doctor knew we miscarried even before she came into the room, she was doodling instead of taking notes. He thinks they could tell from my urine tests that my HCG levels were down. I don't think that's true. Maybe someone can clear that up for me? She was just hoping that her questions would lead us to make a connection? I had no spotting, no cramping. I had no idea that I had miscarried. We were sent home to get our things and instructed to go to the hospital. I don't feel like sharing the details but here are a few; I decided to deliver instead of have a D&C. The doctor on call (not my doctor) threw our baby onto the table and announced that it was a boy (we didn't want to know but now I'm glad I do) and then stormed out of the room. After having our son E in May 2009, B finally told me that he had a word with the doctor from our miscarriage while the nurses were cleaning me up, back in 2003. 
The miscarriage changed me. I always loved children. I was once called "the bridge" in reference for my ability to bridge the gap between the younger kids and older kids and my church. I thought about having children but I didn't think it would happen so fast after getting married. B always makes fun of me when I say this and tells me I must not have been paying attention during health class. After miscarrying, I realized that I wanted kids now. And I was desperate to get pregnant again.
Back then I thought I was managing ok, looking back now I realize that I was depressed after the miscarriage for a long time. After the miscarriage we kept trying and when B took a new job and then we moved in May 2005, I went on birth control. 1) Because we wouldn't have health insurance for a while 2) We were living with friends 3) I needed a break.  I don't remember when we started trying again. I think I was on birth control for a year.
Since I quit my job so we could move in May 2005, I was left unemployed during this time. I did "nanny" from the fall 2005 to fall 2006 while going to interviews for a "real" job.  In October 2006, I was hired by a bank and it was a wonderful job where I worked until just before my son was born May 2009. So to sum it up between approximately May 2006 and August 2008 we were resumed trying to conceive and were finally successful in August 2008. So that's 26 months that where I was hopeful for a pregnancy and then devastated when my period arrived. 

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